2 Corinthians 3:2 (NRSV), “You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all”
A little over ten years ago, Pastor Dale Mast spoke into my life (with amazing accuracy in hindsight), and one of the things he said was that God was going to give me dynamic testimonies. About five years after he spoke that word over me, I knew exactly what it meant. I was excited, however in my immaturity, I didn’t realize that in order for me to have dynamic testimonies, God would have to allow me to go through dynamic tests. I have had several tests since then, and I have written them down and shared them with others as God commanded me to do. I never imagined I would go through the test of widowhood, but what keeps me going is that I know there is going to be an amazing testimony from all of this. God has already proven Himself faithful. One of the ways is my husband died when I was 7 months pregnant and when my OB/GYN and perinatologist found out, they wanted to put me on Zoloft. They were extremely worried about me suffering from post-partum depression. My perinatologist told me horror stories of how women killed themselves. I’m not downplaying the reality of PPD, but I told my doctors no. I told them God was with me and I would be OK. Even my cardiologist wanted to put me on a medication for my heart. He was afraid I’d suffer from something they call “Broken Heart Syndrome.” I refused him as well and told him that God was with me. I can tell you that 5 months post-partum, I have not struggled with any depression. My healing process and the transition to two children have actually been rather easy. My daughter even sleeps through the night and has been for months! As I told them God is with me and He is proving it.
In Ezekiel 4, God gives Ezekiel a specific set of instructions to complete to send a message to Israel. When I first read this chapter, I thought that God’s command to Ezekiel was rather harsh. After all, Ezekiel was a prophet. He was God’s chosen servant. Why would God tell him to lay on his side and to do all of these inconvenient and painful things? He didn’t do anything wrong. However, if you read this chapter, you will see that God commands Ezekiel to do these things and to go through this painful, embarrassing and inconvenient experience to send a message to the children of Israel. God wasn’t punishing Ezekiel, God was using him to send a message to His people. Ezekiel did answer the call. If he wanted to be used by God, he had to do what God told him to do. He had to go through what God orchestrated for him to go through.
When I accepted God’s call on my life to serve Him, I asked Him to use me for His purposes. I didn’t know what was down the road. I didn’t know what I would lose. I didn’t know what I’d go through. I just said yes. It feels painful now, but I know that God is using this situation to send a message. I know that He’s using me and this painful experience in my life for His glory. He’s already demonstrating to me and to whomever is watching that He is a keeper. He is demonstrating that He is a provider. He is demonstrating as Psalm 9:10 says (my husband’s favorite scripture by the way) that He will not forsake those who put their trust in Him and seek Him. It is painful while I’m “laying on my side,” but I believe that there will be glory after this. I know that what God allows in our lives is not just for us. It’s for someone else. Someone else is watching. Someone else needs to know that God is real. I asked Him to use me. I can’t turn back now because the road is getting rough! I want my life to be a living epistle. I want it to preach that Jesus is real. I’ve been wanting to get into the pulpit for some time now. I’m certain that God is making me walk it, before I can talk it. It’s not easy, but I’m grateful.
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