“Word came to Saul: ‘David is in Naioth at Ramah’; so he sent men to capture him. But when they saw a group of prophets prophesying, with Samuel standing there as their leader, the Spirit of God came upon Saul’s men and they also prophesied. Saul was told about it, and he sent more men, and they prophesied too. Saul sent men a third time, and they also prophesied. Finally, he himself left for Ramah and went to the great cistern at Secu. And he asked, ‘Where are Samuel and David?’ ‘Over in Naioth at Ramah,’ they said. So Saul went to Naioth at Ramah. But the Spirit of God came even upon him, and he walked along prophesying until he came to Naioth. He stripped off his robes and also prophesied in Samuel’s presence. He lay that way all that day and night. This is why people say, ‘Is Saul also among the prophets?’”—1 Samuel 19:19-24 (NIV).
This is one of my favorite passages of scripture because the Spirit of God falls on Saul and his men and empowers them to do that which even their flesh doesn’t want to do. Remember, by that time Saul had been rejected by God and was given an evil spirit to torment him. However, when the Spirit of God hits him, his flesh has no choice but to surrender – bow down – and prophesy.
Confession! I’ve been in a funk. I believe it’s because of impatience, frustration and lack of understanding. I want to make moves, but I’m in a standstill in many areas of my life. This has caused a great deal of frustration, and it’s connected to my lack of understanding of what God is doing with me. I know everyone is dealing with something and has their personal issues. However, I believe that for almost the last four years, I’ve been going up “the rough side of the mountain.” I’m merely doing my best to make it in. I’m holding onto a tiny mustard seed of faith that things will shift for the better. I’m battling anger and frustration because both of my children are struggling with understanding where their daddy is. My daughter, now three, is old enough to realize that someone in our family is missing. She asks about her daddy. She asks if men on my Facebook timeline are her daddy. She calls my friend’s husband daddy, even though I’ve shown her videos and pictures of her father. My son, five, asks if we can give daddy some medicine so he can get better and come home. He doesn’t understand death and its permanency. He thinks heaven is place we can go to right now. This makes me angry. I don’t feel equipped to handle their questions. I don’t feel equipped to give them the understanding and peace they need. And I know I’m all wrapped up in my flesh and feelings, but it makes me wonder if it will ever get any easier. Not to mention that being a single mother is hard! I was extremely sick this weekend, bedridden, and I had to drag myself out of bed with fever, chills, headache, body aches and a sore throat to take care of them. It is rough! I had tonsillitis – very random.
I’m also tired of pitching stories, writing articles, contributing to this magazine and that magazine, writing proposals and it all coming to naught. It’s hard hanging onto a promise that is over a decade old and nothing is manifesting – a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y-n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Honestly, I feel like a major failure. I have a degree in English, and I want to write, but writing doesn’t pay bills. A Master of Divinity doesn’t mean anything in the workforce, and ministry doesn’t pay bills.
Many areas in my life right now are dry bones. Bare, dry, ashy, rusty, left behind dry bones.
Well, I know I am complaining, but this morning the Lord showed me that He hasn’t given up on me yet even though my flesh wants to throw in the towel. As I was getting my children ready for school and preparing to leave the house, the Spirit of the Lord fell on me. I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t thinking about God. I wasn’t in the proper spiritual mindset. I wasn’t seeking God in the moment. The Spirit just fell on me, and I immediately felt grateful. Grateful for what I deem my debt, frustration, anxiety, sin, grief-stricken, lack filled life. I felt so grateful for the Lord and what God was doing in my life. I felt moved to put on a praise song I love, and the Spirit of the Lord overcame me and brought me to tears. All I could do was praise Him. This immediately reminded me of Saul and the School of Prophets. When the Spirit of God is present, all flesh has no choice but to submit to God’s holiness and worthiness. It reminded me that even when I feel like walking away from God and the path He put me on, God is still pursuing me. He won’t let me give up. The work the Lord began in me did not begin with me. It started with Him, and He will perform it until the day of Christ. He’s the author and finisher of my faith. It also reminded me of God’s love for me. He’s not going to give up on me as easy as I would give up on Him.
I used to think I had an idea of what God wanted to do in my life, but at this point, at almost 40 years old, I don’t have a clue. I just hope and pray that I can endure and ultimately finish the race. That’s all I’m hoping for. I just want to make it in as the song says. I just wanted to share this experience to let you know that the same way God pursues me is how God pursues you. He is the great “I am.” He won’t let us fall. He has the power to present us faultless before His throne with exceeding great joy. I really do believe it.